Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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