there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
