i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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