3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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