omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
