Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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