I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
