her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
