where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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