I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
