im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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