I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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