I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
