Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
