I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
