whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
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Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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