it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
