I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
two words...techno handjob
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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