I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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