just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
