i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
