My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
