my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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