I think i sorta joined a cult last night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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