Sry I called you an 8
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
