Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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