He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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