They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
