i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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