everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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