I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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