I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
