so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
