I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
