I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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