A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
