i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
