just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
