Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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