could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
