That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
