i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She bit a glass in half.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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