remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
