Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
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It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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