you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
