So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
