drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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