Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
