We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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