News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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