he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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