I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
