Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
