Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Vodka?
Forever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
