Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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