You're completely useless in the revolution.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
