Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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